Racing thoughts...

Its been 1 month since I have came back to routine life from my Vistarakship in India…

I came to a point, where I was exactly 12 years back… not knowing where am I? searching for a job… looking for something which will give me sense of existence. Only difference this time was, I had 10 years of working experience in IT field, 2 years of full-time vistarakship and rare attitude of repeating mistakes ;-) Situation is not worse on the face value but more pathetic with this type of past… still I am looking for answers, I am still doing soul-searching…

trying to find the answer which Angulimal couldn't answer… 

I can not answer many questions which might be obvious… sometimes I feel like telling the person who asks question, "is it really going to help by knowing why I did what I did?"… by answering such questions, is it going to help me in any way… but they are not wrong. When society praises you, you like that… when people talk good about you, you want to hear it from many people… similarly society, people have all the rights to question you, criticize you and you should have appetite to digest that as well. 

I think this point is the "Buddha" point, wherein you are neither happy nor angry by external factors.

So here I am trying to hide from people, wanting not to take any calls, feeling lost, going in past, trying to join the broken pieces which I only broke.

Your choices - your choices decide your destiny… there are so many interesting stories of business people, film stars, writers and what not who had never thought about their future in the way it shaped up, but the choices they made in their life journey had changed their life completely. At the same time there are so many stories around us… so many people we can interact and get to know that what if they had done that… "वो हो ना सका"… greatness which could not be achieved… happiness which could not be given…

So why things happened the way it happened…? Now you can always flip this question in either way. I can not appreciate more - the sentence from Chanakya serial - "मन का क्या है राजन, वो तो अपने समाधान के  लिये कोई  ना कोई सन्मानजनक तर्क ढूंढ़ ही लेता है।"

What if…? Why did you let the "If" come in the picture? Don't you find this question sometime coming to your mind as well? If not, then you really have a clear cut thought process chalked out for yourself… and I really envy that ;-)

Tears… do they matter? I mean if someone kills somebody and then shed hell lot of tears, is it going to matter? Regrets… why did we behave in some way which we have to regret for? Secrets… why do I need to hide something? Respect… why do I long for "getting" ( चाहियेवाला मन ) more and more respect… don't you respect yourself? Satisfaction… whom am I trying to satisfy - myself or people? Happiness… is it external?

Why there should be connect between different paragraphs… why should there be uniformity in what we express… why should it make sense… what is it that keep me on toes… what… why… when….???